Yet another librarian blog

And I'm back.

2010-07-08T15:28:00.003-04:00

There's no AC in most of the building.

A guy has been parked in front of one of the two industrial fans that are keeping the air moving in the ref area and his stank is starting to make its way over to the ref desk.

Pam is banned. Probably for life because Mr. F caught her pulling books off the shelf in stack 6 and once you're on Mr F's S-list you don't get off.

The bag man is wandering outside in the park, but no one seems to know if he's banned or not.

A guy dragging a grocery cart full of plastic bags just accused me of "always looking uptight." I've never seen him before in my life and while this is my second day back I've only been on the desk for a grand total of 1 hour and 7 minutes.

Quickie

2010-03-23T21:55:00.002-04:00

So...its been a while.

Here's the short of it. My levels were so low at my appointment on December 24 that I was told I was going no where but up to Labor and Delivery. Some phone calls and my doctor consult later I was allowed to go home to have Christmas but only with the promise that my butt would be back at the hospital between 7 & 9pm Christmas night.

Mad dash of holidays (Christmas Eve at my cousin's, Christmas Day at my parents) and packing...I was checked in and the induction process started by 10pm on Christmas night.

And then we waited

And waited

And waited.

Two days later, two strips of cervidil and a pitocin drip later, I still hadn't progressed beyond 2cm. My options were, stop and start the induction process over, break my water to progress the labor which might result in fetal distress and an emergency C-section, or skip all that and head straight to C-section.

After much deliberation...seriously it took me a few hours to say "c-section," that's the route we took.

Neva Juliet was born three weeks early at 2:51pm, December 27, 2009. 5lbs, 1oz and 18.5 inches long.

Now I'm hangin' at home with Neva until July, working on shaking off the bad juju from NPL and trying to get back into running shape. My first race is the Earth Day 5k at Liberty State Park and the HoHa 5-miler in May. If you want to follow my sporadic and less than interesting trains of thought now that I don't have crazy patrons to write about you can follow me over at Running after Baby.

Um. Yeah.

2009-12-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

So because my amnio levels are so low that they're a risk to Lloyd'qwa I'm being admitted to the hospital and induced. I bargained for Christmas Eve and Christmas day and won only because her heartbeat was rock steady, but I was ordered to return not later than 9pm.

So the countdown stops at 2 days. I'm outta here!

If you're interested, you can follow me over here for a little while:

http://runningafterbaby.blogspot.com/

I'll be back in the library July 1

3 days

2009-12-23T13:39:00.005-05:00

I cannot say it any clearer. "No we do not have any books on the forklift driver test."

Oh. Hey. It's 5:30 - and I'm outta here until next Wednesday when there are only two days left to this maddness. 'Night y'all! Merry Christmas!

4 working days.

2009-12-22T15:22:00.003-05:00

• You have to worry when the NPD cop assigned to the library is wandering through talking to himself.
• I don't care how much older you are than me, turn your damn music down.
• OK. Let me try for a third time..."Do you want to check this out? Yes? OK. You have to take it downstairs to circulation."
• Don't call the reference desk and then tell me to hold because you don't have the info you need in front of you to ask your question. Especially you, Ceola...

5 working days

2009-12-21T13:15:00.003-05:00

Bible Jackson's been in rambling as usual. It's beyond annoying. Babbling about Ezekiel, false gods and covenants and awkwardly flirting with N.

Now crazy Pam is in looking for a bibliography (it's biography - FOR F#@K's SAKE!!), on the band Heatwave.

Lena was in the stacks earlier belting out a show tune.

Everyone's got their two cents.

2009-12-14T12:43:00.002-05:00

Sweetheart, I don't need you to tell me that you're hoping I'll "do the right thing now that its Christmastime." My baby has a father and not only do I know his name he's been my husband these last 10 years. Amazing, right? But thanks for your concern.

And only if the Jets start taking women will she be a linebacker... Thanks for the thought though.

2009-12-11T12:18:00.002-05:00

You smell bad, I don't know you from Eve and you're standing in front of me picking your teeth with a paperclip. What part of "I'm not telling you my baby's name" do you not understand? And what part of "we're not sharing with anyone, family or otherwise" do you not understand?

Telling me you're going to browbeat me into telling you will really not accomplish anything more than getting my stubborn up. I have legions of people who will tell you that you'll get nothing from me when that happens.

Crazywoman spare that tree

2009-12-09T13:31:00.003-05:00

I really want to stop fighting with you over paper, but seriously...you cost us a fortune. You steal handouts not meant for you. Swipe paper out of trashcans. We even caught you trying to steal it out of the photocopier. You're not fooling anyone when you come down asking for a bibliography (The word is BIOGRAPHY, for f*%k's sake!) on whatever famous person wormed their way into your scary brain today.

You're the reason why our scrap paper bins are actually empty - do you realize that. No, I don't think you do and don't bother me with your "I'm working on something very important," 'cuz I doubt you are. We never see any evidence of it. And what the hell do you do with all that paper? I never see you leave with it, so where do you put it?

Three Tuesday's left

2009-12-08T17:46:00.002-05:00

Tuesday night observations:

Really? You need directions on how to plug in your laptop?

Wait. Let me get this straight...your question is "do we have a dictionary that goes from A to Z?" Um...Yeah...

I'm sorry, but it really is too early for there to be a book on the Fort Hood shootings. Yes, really.

Holy Olfactory Overload Batman!

2009-11-30T15:42:00.004-05:00

It f$*kn' stinks in here. Worse than usual and since my non-pregnant colleagues are having trouble with it too its not just my hyperactive pregnant nose.

Explain to me how a person can have enough money to buy a laptop, but smell of shit?

21 working days left.

Dios mio.

2009-11-17T13:21:00.002-05:00

He stands in front of me with the thumb of his left hand resting on his chest, hand sticking out. He asks me for books on "trapping and recoiling." While I'm trying to find call numbers for him he begins to chant "dios, dios, dios."

I've been at work for 20 minutes so far...

They're like little kids...

2009-11-07T13:59:00.003-05:00

I used to pull this when I was a kid. I'd ask my mom, who would invariably say "no." Then I'd ask my dad who would often say "yes." Until, that is, he got wise and would ask me "what did mom say."

If one of the librarians tells them no, we can't do that...they move two steps down the desk and ask the other. Its really irritating - especially when my colleague tells them exactly the same thing.

Natasha

2009-11-06T15:21:00.002-05:00

Despite what you may have heard and probably from the man himself, Harold Bloom is not the end and be all for literary criticism. If its not part of his canon, there probably isn't a lit crit for the work you're looking for. Finding different ways in which to ask isn't going to change this fact.

Don't you dare get indignant with me, I'm not in the mood.

10

2009-10-31T00:01:00.004-04:00

In September 1989, my first college roommate from hell introduced me to L and by that November we were dating. Ten years later...on this date...yes, on Halloween...I married him. Ten years on, I'm pregnant with our first child.

A lot's happened in those twenty years but it seems we do the important things in tens.

I love you, honey. Thank you for twenty eventful, chaotic, maddening, hysterical, romantic, gorgeous years.

Couple of things while I watch Game 2

2009-10-29T20:44:00.003-04:00

Did the Phillies not have time to wash their uniforms? They seem awful dirty for the 1st inning.

Don't tell my Dad, but I think I might like soccer better.

Please don't keep showing those super closeups of the pitchers. Neither Bartlett nor Martinez have a face for TV.

What the hell are those stupid rope thingys I keep seeing around players necks. Lee had one last night, now Bartlett has one tonight.

Players do not need to wear mics. I think all of us are adept enough to read lips when necessary. The rest of the time whatever they have to say just isn't interesting.

Baseball gives Lloyd'qwa hiccups.

How fat is too fat to play baseball? Yeah, Matt Stairs, I'm talking about you...

And that's game. See you in Philly.

Dem Bonz

2009-10-29T11:04:00.003-04:00

I woke up to what I think was a foot poking me just above my navel this morning - apparently Lloyd'qwa is kicking back with her feet up. Weird! She's feeling a little more solid in there like there are definitely bones forming. I've been craving milk lately and obviously she's putting it to good use. Before this the movements were strong, but she didn't feel as dense.

Can't escape that fleeting image from Aliens...

We had a contractor in to talk about soundproofing our place before Lloyd'qwa puts in her appearance (nothing like waiting 'til the last minute). L's a little freaked out at the idea of construction, especially when the guy said the job would take about 3 weeks. To make him feel better I agreed to double board Ed's side of the hallway - that should cut down our first-hand experience of his bathroom habits. Hooray! All the rest of the walls are getting the tear-down/rebuild treatment.

Pregnancy paranoia

2009-10-16T10:20:00.002-04:00

I was at the Drs office on Tuesday and just found out that I missed the window on the amnio. I'm not sure that I would have done one anyway with the miscarriage risks, but I am 38 and all that genetic counseling really creeps up on you in the wee hours of the morning. My doctor was out on maternity leave and there was a period there where I got a little lost in the patient shuffle - exactly at the point where I should have had it done.

All of the other tests have come out normal and there is really nothing I can do about it now. Not that I would have anyway, it's just that I've been so careful about keeping track of everything and now I feel like I really dropped the ball. Its kinda taken all the joy out of what has been a breeze of a pregnancy and I can't quite stop crying. L just keeps saying that nothing's changed from Monday to Tuesday. I'm still pregnant and feeling really good when I manage to stop thinking about the missed amnio; the baby is still treating my bladder like its a soccer ball and she's Mia Hamm, she got hiccups yesterday which were the cutest thing I've ever felt and I still need to get her nursery in order. But I just feel...I don't know...lost... This is the most important thing I'll probably ever do and I feel like I totally screwed up.

The L has already made his peace with the odds and I'm happy that he's been able to do that. Apparently he consulted all the women at work who are moms and they either opted out of amnio or have horror stories about misdiagnosis.

Sorry to unload - I'm having a moment. I know that its probably for no cause at all but my brain keeps whispering the 90% certainty versus 99% certainty. A stupid 4%, but oh what can happen in those 4%s...

2009-10-07T15:52:00.003-04:00

She who needs a bra is back. She's looking for books on lions, yahweh and a "new edition bible," by which she means "not the language they speak in olden times but how we talk now." She's upset that we don't have any scrap paper and wanted me to make more. Obviously the concept behind scrap paper is beyond her.

As long as she's not looking for the members of King David's ("y'know from the bible") Band - I'm good.

Not going to be a good day.

2009-09-26T09:58:00.002-04:00

The cat decided my legs were chew toys around 4am this morning.

My car wouldn't start. Wouldn't even turn over. Not even so much as a click when I turned the key.

I made sure my first phone call was to work, telling them I would be late. The message is still unlistened to on the office voicemail - but my boss just told me I should make sure and call if I'm going to be so late.

I had to take the lightrail to the PATH to the lightrail. Only the PATH people didn't seem to know what tracks the trains were running on. Or that announcing a train is arriving on Track 2, when there's no sign indicating which is Track 2 is not the way to be helpfull. Potential passengars looked a lot like ducks in a shooting gallery - wandering back and forth in the hallway between the two tracks.

I was an hour late to work which, this being the last day of the pay period, I have to make up today. There goes the comp time I had built into these two weeks.

It feels like Lloyd'qwa is kicking the hell out of my bladder. She seems to think its a soccer ball.

I'm feeling cranky.

I haven't even gotten to the public ref desk yet.

Shirthead

2009-09-22T18:57:00.004-04:00

Dude, the pencil sharpener is not that labor intensive. Try scaling it down a bit. And why are you wearing a t-shirt on your head?

Nevermind, I probably don't want to know.

No, the library does not provide magic markers.

And stop riffling my scrap paper.

Yes, Gieselle Bündchen is tall...

OK. Step away from the reference desk and go back to whatever mischief you were about in the hallway.

Thank you.

You know you're pregnant when....

2009-09-16T20:21:00.001-04:00

a commercial featuring a sad little girl looking for her lost dog reduces you to tears.

Four more months of this, hmmm....

First & not quite last

2009-09-14T11:03:00.009-04:00

So I ran/walked the Dumont 5K this past Saturday...

Yes, I know I'm 5 month pregnant...all y'all just need to get over it...I'll give you a moment.

OK.

My dad was there to do the 1.5 mile walk. He's a trooper, doing this in the rain and I think he was there as much because he was worried about me as walking.

I told him before the start of my race to expect me around the 42 minute mark. I was planning the walk more than run, figured I'd be slower than my July 5K. The gun went off and I settled into a painfully slow (no, not pain-filled but rather annoyingly slow to me), jogging pace. Only the thing is, I got to 1 mile and I didn't want to stop running. Especially went a woman struggling next to me pointed out that some of the runners (at 12:24 into the race), were probably done. Almost true - 3 minutes later a 16-year-old won the 5K with a 18:17 time.

But I promised I would and I do try to keep my promises (except for that one about not running the hill, that one I didn't keep) - so at about 1.25 I switched to a walk. Grudgingly, because really I felt great. A little hot in the face, but my heart-rate felt good but not racing, knees good, but -damn-forgot that short socks in these sneakers can sometimes give me blisters. Ouch...

At 2 miles there was a pretty big distance between me and the rest of the pack. So much so that an old guy standing on the sidelines assumed I was the last runner and told me that I deserve an award just for finishing. I told him not to tease a pregnant lady and while he was busy picking his jaw up off the ground his wife yelled out, "Good for you!"

A minute or two later the course open up to a straightaway all the way down Depew Street. Quick check of everything and I still felt good - so I decided to run. I refrained from trying to catch the few people still in front of me, though I think I might have been able to.

Finished in 39:08

I came in second to last in my age-group, Lloyd'qwa* came in first in hers.

I still want my results reflect that I was 22 weeks pregnant.

Lloyd'qwa was very quiet so Mommy could work during the race, but she was a little ball of energy while we saw The Alarm later that day at the Union County Music Fest - I'm told she's able to hear and react to loud noises. She was definitely shaking what her mama gave her, even if she was freaking her mama out a little in the process. L speculates that she'll come out knowing the words to "Blaze of Glory."

No, not this Blaze of Glory....

This, Blaze of Glory...

* Lloyd'qwa is what we've taken to calling Baby Gold now that we know she's a she. We both decided it would be too weird to call her by any of the names we are actually considering.

He speaks! And let me tell you it was just plain creepy....

2009-08-28T09:35:00.002-04:00

Darth was in the other day. Not as draped as usual (you could actually see his face), but you could definitely tell it was him by the cut of his...um...umbrella skirt.

We were kinda busy but he kept hovering in the background. Finally, most of the patrons and my colleagues were off doing other things leaving me alone at the ref desk. He glided up (he really moves pretty gracefully for such a creepy guy. My guess is he likes the sound of the swish his umbrellas make and has adjusted his gate accordingly) and stood staring at me for a minute.

"Hello there," Darth finally said.

"Hi."

Then he laughed and glided away.

That's it? Creepy.

2009-08-20T14:44:00.003-04:00

I have been reduced to fighting with a homeless person over scrap paper. Its the same person I mentioned a few weeks ago.

According to her it's Lloyd Vern's sister who took the paper, not her and I shouldn't be lying on her when she was at the Welfare Office today. Just for lying on her I'm not welcome at her uncle's house and I should see what happens to me iffen I try 'n show up there.

Labor can't come soon enough...

Holy Bowling Balls, Batman!

2009-08-17T16:58:00.003-04:00

Just took one of those silly "no basis in scientific fact" baby predictors. This is the result. I'm not taking anymore...

Madame Zaritska, using her mystical powers, has the following prediction:

The day you deliver, outside will be misty. Your baby will arrive in the late afternoon. After a labor lasting approximately 24 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 15 pounds, 14 ounces, and will be 21 inches long. This child will have light blue eyes and barely there brown hair.

FIFTEEN LBS!!!!! No disrespect to L's dad, but if it's really 15lbs we're naming him Ulysses...

We really won't know what sex Baby Gold is until August 31st, when I have my Level II ultrasound. Then the battle of names will begin. I'm telling you right here and now that while I have no problem with all the LOTR action figures, owning (and wearing) an Arwen Halloween costume and buying him both the Aragorn ring and The One Ring* as a 5-year anniversary band - our child will not be named after an Elf in the Tolkin books. Not happening. Ever.

See how the battlelines are already drawn?

In the meantime, I'm still wearing my "regular" clothes, getting constant migraines of varying intensities (three in 4 days) and experiencing heart palpitations that make me nervous - but are apparently normal. I'd already give my eyeteeth for a full night's sleep without L snoring or hogging the bed.

*wording adjusted so it says "One ring to show our love, one ring to bind us. One ring to seal our love and forever to entwine us." I know, I know...I humor him too much.

2009-08-15T14:22:00.000-04:00

This was too funny not post, especially since I frequently have to translate patron requests before I figure out what they're asking for. It always makes me feel kinda old.

And it's that time of the month again...

2009-08-05T10:06:00.003-04:00

No, not that time of the month. It's a full moon.

I'm sitting at the ref desk for three minutes and already someone has walked through shouting, "Have the best of days and the worst of times..."

Now drug lady (same one who's always asking for the Vatican's address) is in asking how many blood pressure medicines are on the market and who puts them out. Because she just heard on the radio that blood pressure medicine cause more trouble then they're worth. "The only real cure for high blood pressure is slow breathing..." Oh, and do we have anything by Samuel Clemens which is the alternate name for James Faulkner... If she checked fiction under "C" would she find Clemens.

First off, Samuel Clemens is Mark Twain's real name (I know you know, but I have to say it out loud anyway or my head might explode). Yes, he has published things under Clemens but we put him under Twain since that's the name the majority of his works are published under. No, if you check the stacks for "C" you won't find anything because the nonfiction area is set up by Dewey number. Yes, I'm sure. Oh for G-d's sake be my guest. Knock yourself out checking "C for Clemens."

And 15 minutes in we have a call from argumentative grammar girl. What are the spellings and meanings of the following words. "bogart" or "bogarting" and "hellacious." She was indignant when I came back with the spelling. "That's how I spelled them and they weren't in *my* dictionary." She seemed floored that not all words are in all dictionaries.

Only 4 more hours of this.

Can I go home now?

2009-08-01T11:03:00.005-04:00

It suddenly smells of vomit in the reference area and there's a woman who won't quit babbling to herself in the hallway between the reference and periodicals areas. Every few minutes she shushes herself.

I haven't had a question yet - ridiculous, directional or otherwise - and I've been here an 1.5 hours already.

Ahh... here we go.

A girl just came in with that hideous Blake "Chimney Sweeper" assignment that comes in every summer. She didn't look pleased that I wouldn't do the research for her, but rather pointed her in the direction of the information.

And here's that other awful assignment - compare and contrast Macaulay and Engels view of English industrialization. It would be way more interesting if the assignment were actually written in a way to make it comprehensible to the student.

QOTD

2009-07-30T11:35:00.001-04:00

Caller: Where is China located? What I mean by that is, is it part of the UK?

I blame Eddie Izzard

2009-07-28T09:16:00.003-04:00

Eddie Izzard's the reason why L & I have a giggle fit at every wedding we attend that involves a reading from St. Paul's Letters to the Corinthians (1 Cor 13). It happened again last Friday. Because the mics weren't working so well and there was no program, I didn't catch it right away. But L did, nudged me and we were off. Here's why...

Take it and go

2009-07-27T15:08:00.002-04:00

Oh for f#$k's sake. It's scrap paper. Quit riffling through it, perusing each page before you decide if you're going to take it or not. Just take it...(no more than your allotted 3 sheets, mind, remember we talked to you about that. You can just take the whole bin of scrap and leave us with nothing)...and please go.

Paging Dr. Mengele.

2009-07-16T13:33:00.002-04:00

So because of my age and the risks associated there-in, I've been signed up for a battery of tests, blood-work and counseling. One of the counseling sessions was in NYC at St. Vincent's Hospital (what a chaotic scene patient registration was, eesh), and is dubbed "genetic" counseling. Basically they scare the crap out of you in a very pleasant way with all the things that can go wrong with your pregnancy over 35. Then they gently tell you that all of the tests they recommend should be done before the window closes on "any decisions you might make with regards to the pregnancy." That would be their way of discussing the "A" word.

By the time my hour was over, I was sufficiently freaked out, so I text L.

Me: All these dr visits are freaking me out.

Him: Don't be.

Me: They r freaking me out about my age & your jewishness. There are all sorts of extra tests because you r jewish.

I waited for a response to the last one, but I guess L had gone back to class. My cell phone rang at a little after 3. L sounded livid.

"Jesus Christ, who's the doctor?!? Fucking Mengele?!? You might want to tell them it's a religion not a ethnic group!"

I mentioned the Tay-Sachs and cystic fibrosis statistics among the Jewish population, particularly Askinazi (which he is), but he didn't really want to listen to me. He went on in the same theme for a while despite the fact that he's argued the opposite point in the past - that Jewisness by their very isolation in society (up until the 20th century), was an ethnic group, a cultural group and a religion all in one.

Finally, I broke in to ask him not to yell because I was crazed enough about the whole thing. He instantly calmed down...it's my new L control mechanism..."if you upset me, you upset the baby." Don't judge me - if you knew L you'd know his freak outs are unbearable monsters that can take forever to work though. And I've learned to come to terms with how devious I can be.

Still in the coming days I get to look forward to having a needle stuck in my belly and about a liter of blood taken from my body all in the quest of the "perfect" child. I've been cruising the maternity websites, but am still not completely comfortable with the whole idea that I'm carrying a life inside me. They make the whole thing sound like such a crap-shoot that every twinge has me bracing for miscarriage. Even my doctor, who OK'd my running the Army 10-miler this fall when I'll be 6 months pregnant ("Of course you can! Do you need a note?"), was adamant about my not telling ANYONE until after I got through the first trimester. Now I see why. If something doesn't physically go wrong the battery of tests is enough to scare you into a miscarriage.

I'm learning that pregnancy is not for the faint of heart.

Aww moments...

2009-07-15T15:58:00.001-04:00

Maybe in week 8 I'm already hormonal and weepy but L has said or done a few things in the last few weeks since we found out we're pregnant that have inspired a few aww...sniff...sniff... responses from me. Here's a short list:

On hearing that handling the cat litter can lead to miscarriage or birth defects he has started cleaning bathroom floor with bleach wipes. Every. Morning. Before. I. Get. Up.

He bought a Mozart lullabies for babies CD.

Does something totally out of character with the nature of your 20-year relationship and then proudly pronounces "See, I'm going to take care of you."

Is recording a demo so he can pass them around at local bars to get cover gigs to "make money for the baby."

Hoboken 5K

2009-07-15T11:40:00.005-04:00

Bib Number	370
First Name	Elaine
Last Name
City
State	NJ
Zip
Sex	F
Age	38
Time	39:11
Pace	12:36.6
Place	1025
Gender Place	547/584
Age Group Place	F30-39: 216/236
Masters Age PLP	38.7%

Is it bad that I want the results from my 5K last night to have a little * next to them. And that I want that little * to say "Hey! 13-weeks pregnant here...cut me some slack." There's that little competitive part of me that's annoyed that the time is 9:14 slower than my time back in March. The rational part of me knows why and that this is a pretty damn good time considering I walked about 1.25 miles of the race.

Finished the last mile running though...beat a guy who kept leapfrogging me every time I caught up with him through mile 2. (He would bolt ahead when I caught him, then walk - then do it again when I caught him again.) I really wanted to tell him that not only was he beat by a chick wearing a skirt, but a pregnant chick at that.

Purple Ant Eater

2009-07-14T12:18:00.005-04:00

You know when a guy walks in wearing a purple stripped satin shirt, white pants & white loafers - there's going to be a story.

He's looking for a book about ants. "Their enemies. Their work. Their society. Wars."

Wars? Huh?

"Wait. You're saying the word 'ants,' correct? A-N-T-S"

"Yes. See I'm writing a book about ants and their similarities to humans. So I need to know about ants."

He just walked out with the entire ant section tucked under his purple satin covered arm. He looked happy.

In the family way.

2009-07-12T10:59:00.001-04:00

I suspected I was pregnant as early as the beginning of May - something just seemed...different. I finally decided to take a home pregnancy test on Monday, May 18. It was a respectable 3 days after my period was due and...well...I just couldn't wait any longer.

I bought it on the way home from work but had to wait a little bit to um...sufficiently provide enough liquid for the little stick you pee on. So I made dinner and settled in to wait. I figured I'd do it around 8, which would give us an hour before the season finale of 24.

Only the thing of it is, we discovered at the last second that that night's episode of 24 was a two-hour season finale. Somehow we had lost track of the hours left. There was NO WAY I would be able to hold it for two hours - so right as the recap of the previous episode started I dashed into the bathroom.

Peeing on a stick has to be one of the most undignified things to have to do in a bathroom. Not that I've done it a bunch, but it's pretty akin to having to pee in a cup at the doctors office. How much is too much? Too little? Is it in the right place to even catch the stream. Eeww...it's all warm and I just peed on my hand! Ugh...I hate this motherhood stuff already.

The directions say to wait 3 minutes but 30 seconds hadn't even gone by yet when both windows showed little pink lines.

Holy F*%kin' S%*t... I. Am. Pregnant. And hyperventilating. OMG. OMG. OMG.

But now L's bellowing from the living room that the show has started and sure enough I can hear the beep, beep of the clock over my gasping breath. I wander out, totally dazed. L. looks over at me.

"What," he says.

I can't say anything, and just collapse in my chair.

"Seriously, what."

"It's pink," I say a little wild-eyed. "We're pregnant."

"I knew it," L says and goes back to watching 24. "But why did you do it now?"

"I couldn't wait two hours to pee and I needed to know," I almost wail. I put my hand over my mouth. "OMG. We're going to be someone's parents."

L looks over at me again. "We'll be fine." And with that pronouncement he's decided that's how it'll be. And so it will, because he says so.

I think. I guess. Jeezus H. Christ, a mom. I'm someone's mom. There's this thing growing inside me that I'll have to discipline, who will probably have my continual attitude problem, whom I'll eventually have to put through college. Parent-teacher conferences!!!! Little League!!! Prom!!! OMG! What did we just do?

At least she was nice about it.

2009-06-30T10:39:00.002-04:00

So I spend 15-minutes looking for "Katherine Jackson" of Encino, CA for a lady holding on the phone. I finally pick her back up and tell her I have listings for 10 Catherine Jacksons, but none are for Encino.

Come to find out she's looking for Michael Jackson's mom's home number.

"Um...I'm pretty sure that's going to be unlisted."

"You think so? Oh... OK... See, her son lived in Belle Aire...and I thought. Well. OK. Thanks. 'Bye."

2009-06-18T11:57:00.000-04:00

Argumentative grammar girl has called twice already in an hour. The first question was "are today and tomorrow" compound nouns. (short answer: No) The second was if she's quoting scripture and wants to call attention to a particular passage, is it a clause? (non-answer answer: It depends on how you're using it and how you're structuring the sentence.)

Now drug lady is in and she singing "I'll appreciate anything you can give me" over and over. This is the same woman who keeps writing the Vatican for information about someone she's supposedly related to. Her logic is so fuzzy (something about a picture in a book, Oxford University, British Parliament and the Pope) that we really don't know what to do for her except give her the address to write to the Vatican (Apostolic Palace 00120 Vatican City) and how to address the Pope (Your Holiness).

Question of the Day

2009-06-10T11:14:00.002-04:00

"This is the library right?"

Follow up question: "Do you have something I can read?"

Do what now?

2009-06-02T17:39:00.003-04:00

Strangest question in a while was just asked by a upper teen-something kid who was also looking for a biography on Pavarotti.

"Does your mother work here?"

"My who?"

"Your mother. Does she work here? 'Cuz there's this woman who works here who looks just like you."

Um...yeah...no. And I can't for the life of me, think who he might mean.

USPTO

2009-05-28T16:49:00.002-04:00

Yes, we are a suppository for the U.S. Patent and Trade Office.

Yes, it is open and available during regular libratory hours.

You want a what now?

2009-05-23T14:17:00.003-04:00

A lady just came in looking for a "Maccabees dictionary."

I don't know either...

Another guy just came to ask if we lend cell phones. He seemed surprised to hear that we don't.

Askin' ain't gettin'

2009-05-15T12:48:00.003-04:00

It's not that you didn't know our "system" for where things are, it's that you couldn't be bothered figuring it out. You weren't gone long enough to have even gotten back to the Stacks, let alone down to Stack 1.

And I'm already irritated with you because you asked me for books on starting your own child care business and when I gave you said books, you came back instantly and said it wasn't what you wanted. "I wanted the free money books," you said, like I was an idiot.

And Chris called. Her question "Is a fax machine a printer? It says it's multifunctional, so I want to know if it'll print, like from a computer?"

Have I mentioned it's a full moon?

2009-05-09T15:49:00.003-04:00

First Darth sighting in a while. Not swathed in umbrellas and brocade this time, but rather a simple spring ensemble consisting of a pair of khakis, white t-shirt and a black long-sleeved shirt draped over his head like a wimple.

Did his usual stalking through the reference area, then sat at an OPAC hammering on the keys for a minute, then stalked back out.

TR

2009-05-08T18:15:00.002-04:00

This quote was on, of all places, the back of a hard cider bottle that we just bought from Warwick Valley Winery and it just sort of stuck with me:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

TR's one of my favorite presidents. Quotes like this are part of the reason. But really, may I suggest McCullough's Mornings on Horseback? You won't regret it. Or Brands' T.R. Hell, I can give you a whole syllibus if you'd like. Let me know.

'Cuz I said so.

2009-05-08T13:14:00.002-04:00

I'm sending you to the stacks because I don't trust you with our 1889 copy of The Castles of England. So you may look at our 1966 copy of The Castles of Great Britain. Thank you. 'Bye.

Checkers

2009-05-05T19:34:00.003-04:00

He carries a clear plastic bag on his back that seems to be loaded with nothing more than more plastic bags. Everyday he asks where his check is and accuses us of having sent someone into the back to steal his money out of his pocket. Today he went off about how sell heroine and still we stole his money.

I push this and it does that.

2009-05-04T14:26:00.005-04:00

Seriously? It's a copier. I don't need "training" to use it. It does what I need it to do and I know how to copy in something in color. Go away. Seriously, go bother NJ reference. I suspect M could use the training.

And do I need to remind you that you're in a library. Pipe down! I have actual people, normal real people here trying to do schoolwork and research.

Although, now I'm laughing because we have a lady here would could use some training. She's using this copier because the back one is having "programming issues." I think she's having problems resizing.

That Broad.

2009-05-02T14:04:00.003-04:00

She has this sort of whiny voice that makes you think its an effort for her to even speak. She usually calls looking for bio information on B-movie actresses from the 30s and 40s, but lately she's been calling about the weather.

These are exactly her questions today:

1. What's the temperature right now? Can you get that information on the computer?
2. What's the humidity?
3. Would the library have books on urinary track infections?

She's made the occasional appearance in the library so I've seen her, but I really didn't need to add that visual to the equation.

It's offical!

2009-03-28T16:30:00.000-04:00

Cup watch is over. You may carry on.

Sssssss

2009-03-27T11:43:00.004-04:00

Really? That's your question? Do snakes see well or are they blind?

Like I said, it depends on the species and habitat. Yes, there are different types of snakes. Yes, they live in different conditions.

What do you mean that's not really the question? So what IS the question?

You got into a debate about whether a snake can look up or not....and that brought up the issue that snakes are blind.

Sigh...

Camden is to Philly what Cape May is to Delaware

2009-03-19T12:38:00.002-04:00

Just because Cape May is the southern most point does not mean it's right across from Philadelphia. That would be Camden, among other places. Without being snippy, may I suggest you check a map? All should become clear after that...

View Larger Map

Ladies and gentlemen...

2009-03-19T11:53:00.002-04:00

I believe we have a replacement for Soapy...

He came up looking for books on hunting, what followed was a baffling exchange between him and L about what he was hunting for - which turned into him going off about medicinal herbs, blessed herbs and the Everglades.

L finally poked at him long enough to find out that he's RESEARCHING herbal cures and magic.

Without incident.

2009-03-14T12:02:00.004-04:00

About 8 years ago, I went with L to see Shane Mcgowan at Roseland Ballroom. It was packed and warm and L was a little worse for wear of the brown. I didn't know the music all that well at the time, all I knew is that I was getting crushed by a bunch of drunken Irish-American frat boys. Not happy. Then the drummer decided to launch his stick into the audience and it hit me square in the head. OK - now I'm upset and not happy. Yay concerts!

As the crowd around us ggot louder and more raucous, L leaned in and said "Hey Laine, it's your people." "Yeah," I answered, "and now you know why I married you."

This was (until that night) an on-going joke for us - we'd get into little battles. I'd say - well we have Frank Sinatra, Bono and Dean Martin and he'd say we have Gershwin, Robin Williams and Jon Stewart.... Or we'd see some "cawfee tawk" lady laying into her husband and I'd say - "hey, one of yours." And L's answer would be, "that's why I picked you."

You get the idea.

Only, this big frat boy in front of me, heard me say "that's why I married you," and he thought he heard me say "that's why I married a Jew." While that really is what I'm implying - I didn't actually say it out loud. The guy (who's huge, BTW) turned around a got in my face.

"Did you just say 'that's why I married a Jew?'"

"What," I asked. 'Cuz, again, not what I said - but definitely what I meant. Big Frat Boy repeats himself. I played dumb - "What are you talking about?" Doesn't matter, the damage is done. BFB turns around and reports to his drunken friends that the guy behind him is (and I quote) "a fuckin' kike. He's a fuckin' Heb." They are drunk and angry, but I'm not sure if they're too drunk to fight or just sober enough not to. BFB then told me that someone should teach me to stay with my own kind.

It's going through my head that his behavior is proving my point better than any argument I could possibly make. I'm also thinking of the Pogue lyric "And you decked some fuckin' Blackshirt who was cursing all the Yids." But I say nothing.

L sees all of this, knows something's going on and it isn't good and wants to know what BFB is saying to me. Knowing that it will turn into an incident (this happened during L's pugnacious drinking days, as opposed to his more mellow drinking days now), I refuse to tell him. The concert ends while I'm engaged in staring the BFB down while he says some truly filthy things that only I can hear and holding L back. BFB's friends drag him off. L & I get into a screaming match that lasted hours because he decided:
1.) I started the whole thing
2.) I should tell him what they said so he can go kick their ass (he still doesn't know all of it and I'm never going to tell).
3.) I should never tell anyone he's Jewish.

My reply:
1.) Did not. You actually did, by telling me they were my people. And the word Jewish never left my mouth.
2.) There are 5 of them, you'll get your ass kicked.
3.) I don't just announce it, unless it's relevant and even then only if I'm sure of who I'm talking to. I would never just point at him and start yelling "Jew! Right here! Step right up and take your best shot!"

So last night, with much trepidation, I returned to the scene of the crime. Only we had tickets that got us up in the balcony. With stools and a good view of the stage with NO possibility of getting hit in the head with a drumstick. It also helped that L's having back issues right now, so being in the pit was really not an option at all. And the meds he's on means he can't drink. I actually enjoyed myself - we had a moment of irony when Shane sang "Sickbed of Cuchulainn."

The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn

By Shane MacGowan (1985)

McCormack and Richard Tauber are singing by the bed
There's a glass of punch below your feet and an angel at your head
There's devils on each side of you with bottles in their hands
You need one more drop of poison and you'll dream of foreign lands

When you pissed yourself in Frankfurt and got syph down in Cologne
And you heard the rattling death trains as you lay there all alone
Frank Ryan brought you whiskey in a brothel in Madrid
And you decked some fucking blackshirt who was curing all the Yids
At the sick bed of Cuchulainn we'll kneel and say a prayer
And the ghosts are rattling at the door and the devil's in the chair

And in the Euston Tavern you screamed it was your shout
But they wouldn't give you service so you kicked the windows out
They took you out into the street and kicked you in the brains
So you walked back in through a bolted door and did it all again
At the sick bed of Cuchulainn we'll kneel and say a prayer
And the ghosts are rattling at the door and the devil's in the chair

You remember that foul evening when you heard the banshees howl
There was lousy drunken bastards singing Billy is in the bowl
They took you up to midnight mass and left you in the lurch
So you dropped a button in the plate and spewed up in the church

Now you'll sing a song of liberty for blacks and paks and jocks
And they'll take you from this dump you're in and stick you in a box
Then they'll take you to Cloughprior and shove you in the ground
But you'll stick your head back out and shout "we'll have another round"
At the graveside of Cuchulainn we'll kneel around and pray
And God is in His heaven, and Billy's down by the bay

Cup watch, day 4

2009-03-13T11:45:00.001-04:00

Much like the Chicken Bone Watch of 2006, we are under another watch here at the library. This time it's a dixie cup perched on the lip of the staff stairwell. Without getting too gross, it's got something in it that's growing - it's black and it's been getting steadily bigger over the last 2 days. It kinda puts me in mind of the little juice glasses of chaw-spit my L's drummer (3 drummers back), used to leave lying all over his dorm, car, my car, L's car...you get the idea. When I was cleaning out my two-toned Dodge Omni (shut up - it was cool), to trade-in for the tires on my mom's car (another story for another day), I unearthed one of Mike's glasses wedged under the passenger seat - it was awful. I shudder to think of it.

Anyway - cup watch.

The cup is gross and I'm not touching it. Plus, I'm curious to see how long it takes Maintenance to get rid of it.

Well, at least we know where he got it.

2009-03-10T17:43:00.004-04:00

You asked for books on HDD, then AADD. When I finally suggested ADD, you said yes. After I gave you two titles, call numbers and directions (down the center hall and make the first right), you still didn't understand what I meant. Finally, we got you to the right section and you were gone forever and a day. Then when you came back through, you needed directions on how to get downstairs.

Sigh.

And it's not even 10am.

2009-02-26T09:34:00.004-05:00

My Devil's spawn of a cat has taken a liking to garlic and snagged two whole heads of it in as many days to chew, bat and stash around the house. We woke to find he had scattered cloves all over the place, but have yet to find the whole thing.

Then there was that off-handed comment by my DH that cut me raw. Sorry but it hurts too much for you to have time to explain what you actually meant in the time we have left before both of us are late for work.

And I don't want you to think that I'm permanently in a funk, but seriously - dude, we just pulled into the train station and you are the first in line to get off said train. May I suggest texting AFTER you get off, instead of blocking the exit of 12-odd people behind you? The whole train car listened to you and your friends nonsense all the way here, the least you could do is offer us a quick exit.

No - I didn't have enough coffee this morning. And I haven't even had to deal with the public yet.

Hour 2 of 5 on the desk.

2009-02-23T11:25:00.004-05:00

She stands before me looking for the phone number for Sweepstakes Clearinghouse - but it takes me a while to figure this out between the panting because "I'm old. 53. That's old and you get out of breath" and the disjointed manner in which she speaks.

Inexplicably, she has a plastic box turtle clutched under her arm.

Caveat emptor

2009-02-18T14:48:00.003-05:00

Patron to my colleague: That's how they trick people. They use Latin.

Patron on the phone after requesting how to spell "ileitis" [irately]: That's not how you spell it! I'm going to look it up in my dictionary! Good-bye!

Here's your book, j'want fries with that?

2009-02-17T19:48:00.004-05:00

Patron: While you're looking for that, can I ask you a personal question?

Me [warily]: If you must.

Patron: What did you major in to be a librarian?

Me: I have a BA in history, and a masters in library science.

Patron: But do you need the masters? Can you be a librarian without one?

Me: It's pretty much required, the masters. You can be a librarian assistant without one, but that's about it.

Patron: So you can't just do a crash course like Burger King. Like "this is here and that's there."

Me: Um....

Patron: Hm...well, that's something to think about.

Abandoment & Death - Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T09:54:00.006-05:00

Metro - a freebie paper I grab when I'm desperate or have an urge to do a crossword puzzle that I can actually finish - has a list of the Top 10 Most Romantic Movies of All Time as part of their "Valentine" issue. They don't cite their source (always an annoyance to us librarian types), but when I really look at their list and think about each movie I find the the Top Ten ridiculous.

In order, according to Metro, they are:

10. Ghost - he dies in an alley and haunts his wife
9. Dr. Zhivago - he dies trying to reach her after they've been torn apart umteen times.
8. Annie Hall - they break up
7. Moonstruck - she cheats on her fiance with his brother, but it's OK because they love each other.
6. The Way We Were - infidelity and marital strife ends in divorce
5. Gone with the Wind - wartime suffering and marital strife ends in abandonment
4. An Affair to Remember - I'll give you this one, except she's hit by a car on the way to their meeting and is confined to a wheelchair it takes him awhile to realize it.
3. Wuthering Heights - she dies and haunts him, he's bitter and abusive
2. Titanic - The movie is longer than the actual sinking and he freezes to death.
1. Casablanca - she leaves him for another man, who just so happens to be her husband.

So the moral of the story is death, infidelity and abandonment are romantic.

I know this sounds like I'm going through some kind of marital imbroglio - but we're fine. Actually, we're the best we've been since probably the early years - not to worry. I just found this list to be plain stupid and had some time on my hands today.

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

2009-02-13T13:04:00.004-05:00

Soapy's dead.

Seriously.

We're looking at the obit right now. Last time we saw him here was, appropriately, this past full moon. That also seems to be the day he died.

Causes aren't specified in the obituary.

Candy Man

2009-01-31T15:48:00.003-05:00

Your pacing, request for Latin dictionaries and Hesse are just freaky. It seems to take you 3 attempts at walking up to the desk before you ask a question. Then you scurry away in the middle of the answer.

Am I that scary?

Really?

Good. Then my job here is done.

OK. So apparently I'm not that scary if you just leaned that far over my desk to ask me if I had any candy. Neither N nor I have candy. The library doesn't sell candy. If you want candy you're going to have to go out and buy it yourself.

Zzzzz....

2009-01-27T20:13:00.002-05:00

Dude. If you're going to sleep in the reference area, don't snore. It's a dead giveaway. And no I didn't call security on you because frankly, you scare me - so I waited for them to make their rounds and your snoring gave you away. So yelling at me as they escort you out isn't going to get you anywhere.

Thanks. 'Bye.

Tuesday, January 20 - Washington, DC

2009-01-21T14:54:00.003-05:00

Monday, January 19 - Washington, DC

2009-01-21T14:52:00.002-05:00

Sunday, January 18 - Washington, DC

2009-01-21T14:33:00.003-05:00

A thought.

2009-01-17T10:34:00.005-05:00

May I suggest that applying to schools simply because it has "Washington" in the name is not the best strategy? Just a thought.

And no, the University of Washington is not in Washington, DC. You can tell this from, among other things, it's mailing address in Seattle, WA.

Argumentum ad ignoratiam

2009-01-15T16:22:00.002-05:00

We just discovered that The Philosopher doesn't like Bible Jackson. "Because he's a know it all and he don't know much." The Philosopher took it upon himself to advise M & myself of this situation as our "legal council" as he was returning the ref copy of Black's Law Dictionary.

Reason # 103 why I love him

2009-01-14T22:06:00.002-05:00

Upon seeing the ad for the new Liam Neeson movie.

Me: “So what? It’s a remake of that Harrison Ford movie? That one that’s mentioned in that Canadian band’s song with the singer that looks sort of like Tom?”

L: “Frantic?’

Me: "Exactly."

The General

2009-01-13T19:03:00.004-05:00

C had dubbed him The General, long before I got here. He's a doughy 60-ish white man with a buzz cut and clothing 2 sizes too small for him.

He calls two days in advance at least (library policy specifically for him), with his order. And it is an order - he just has that tone.

"Good afternoon. I will be coming in on Tuesday evening. I would like the following to be prepared for me. USCG Reserve Officers Register Volumes 1 & 2 1959. Register of Naval Reserve Officers Volumes 1 & 2 1984 and the Register of Commissioned and Warrant Officers Regular & Reserve 1984. That totals 5 volumes (another policy just for him, he's not allowed more than 5 volumes of anything). Again I shall be in Tuesday evening. Good-bye."

To interrupt him is to throw him off and he starts over again.

He marches in to pick up his books. And to "borrow a blue ink pen that I will return when finish, of course."

We really aren't sure what he does with these books. He's not researching anything, that we can tell. And he asks for different branches of the military every time. And honestly he is a regular as clockwork, so this will probably be my only entry about him ever unless he has a total meltdown at some point.

I'm sorry, you were saying?

2009-01-11T18:00:00.004-05:00

L and I ended up at Northern Soul on Friday night where, among other things, he announced that I was his new drinking buddy. I'm not sure my liver can stand the honor.

Anyway. We got chatting with some other people we had just met about music and bands. L was holding forth about Oasis, whom we had just seen in concert last month. Somewhere in the middle of the story this blond had sidled up between me and Sang, one of our new friends. When L finished and Lowell picked up the conversation, she turned to me and asked, "So, what do you think about all this?"

"What? Oasis?" I asked, confused.

"No. This guy," she said, flipping a hand towards L.

Savoring what I know is going to be her discomfort in about 3 seconds I said, "Well...." [dramatic pause] "....I am married to him....so..." I trailed off, shrugging.

"Oh," Blondie said, then turned and left. It was really that fast. Oh. Bang. Gone. Maybe I should have drawn it out a little longer so I could have a little fun. I've done that on occasion, reel them in, reel them in and then club them like baby seals. I can get an amazing amount of satisfaction out of it because I can't stand when people make snap decisions about L. Probably makes me a bad person, but oh well.

First sighting in '09

2009-01-10T11:21:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the excessive verbosity today people, it's a slow day on the desk and I've been reading too many writers prone to verbosity lately.

Anyway...

L is obsessed with Genesis, which I blame on my parents who bought him the Gabriel-years boxed set for Christmas. But to prove that finger pointing will you no where, I'm the one who sent the link to them in the first place telling them that he wants it "more than he wants his next breath."

Hand in hand with this obsession is his slightly less intrusive obsession with Musical Box. (I say intrusive because the Genesis documentary and/or concert footage has been running in my house endlessly since December 26 with few reprieves) Musical Box is a Genesis tribute band and I believe that L has now seen them 5 times. Each tour they do a different album and recreate everything you would have seen as if it were 1972 and you were watching Peter Gabriel prance about in his wife's red dress and a fox head.

This years tour is A Trick of the Tail, significant to those who care for being the first album after Gabriel left Genesis. Plans fell through for L to go see the concert with friends, so L decided he would go himself. So on Sunday, L and I were in the city kicking around together before the show started at the Nokia Theater in Time Square. Now the last place on earth I want to be at any time is Times Square. It's packed, noisy, bright and loaded with flagship stores that have no right to be a store, let along have a flagship (M&M store, anyone?) , but that's where the concert was and I had agreed to walk with L there and then make my escape into the PATH station.

After dropping L in the predominantly male line outside Nokia, I headed down Broadway to 33rd lost in Keane's new album ("Me, I'm just playing along. You and I, so many good people all. Just playing along") and dodging other pedestrians. I suddenly noticed small groups of tourist coming towards me doing that "I-don't-believe-what-I-just-saw" double-take. I glanced up to see what they're double-taking and I'm shocked. Ambling up the street in front of me is DARTH VADER!

Darth in Times Square!?!?

True, he's not sporting the helmet - I haven't seen that in ages - but he is draped in his well-worn cape and umbrellas. I notice he's perfected the pleated fish-tale train at the back and if I wasn't so afraid of him I might be tempted to find out how he does it. I followed him for a few blocks wondering what he had going on on the front of his get-up that was causing such a stir, but he peeled off in the direction of Fashion Avenue before I got ahead of him.

It ain't Goodfellas

2009-01-09T11:07:00.007-05:00

I don't want to say this too loudly but - it's been a rather quiet full moon week here at the library. We're at 97% and, well, nothing... Well, nothing much anyway. There was yesterday's incident with the Mafia Moll.

She's a semi-regular and claims that while she was in the hospital the mafia had her implanted with a chip. Yesterday, she was in claiming that she had a lawyer and they were looking for expert witnesses to testify about mafia implantation.

"There are 39 million people implanted," she says earnestly. "It's like the holocaust, but with implantations. I'm going to be history. I've got a sculptor who's going to make a statue of me."

She wanted a list of civil lawyers in New York City, the "museum of American history in New York," and the "museum of American art history in New York."

2008

2008-12-31T23:45:00.002-05:00

I can run 10 miles.
I'm not as slow of a runner as I think I am, but I'll never be particularly fast.
I am still, however, a fast swimmer.
I will have to eventually get my other foot fixed.
Cranks are more reliable than they are given credit for.
Life contains moments of pure joy, even when I'm at work.
It is possible to make crazy people afraid of you.
I'd be happier if I was in charge.
It will never happen here.
Some things can be fixed.
Rosanne's Vaporub trick really does work.
It is difficult to work with people you don't respect.
But there are ways to manage them.
Some things prove to be the root of all evil.
I need to spend more time outside.
My cat is the Devil's spawn.
I look better at 37 than I did at 17 and there are pictures to prove it.
Yoga just might save me.
My husband loves me even when I'm having a day.
I love him even when he's having a day too.

And I quote

2008-12-31T14:01:00.003-05:00

"I'd like information on these people here," the woman said, brandishing a business card from The Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. "The Franciscans. Y'know. The monk people."

Soapy goes heavy.

2008-12-30T15:13:00.003-05:00

Heavy drugs, that is.

He's in looking for information on Tramadol, heaven help us. A quick look at the side effects is a treasure-trove of Soapy obsessions:

Tramadol side effects Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop using tramadol and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

seizure (convulsions);

a red, blistering, peeling skin rash; or

shallow breathing, weak pulse.

Less serious side effects may include:

dizziness, drowsiness, weakness;

nausea, vomiting, constipation, loss of appetite;

blurred vision;

flushing (redness, warmth, or tingly feeling); or

sleep problems (insomnia).
This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur. Tell your doctor about any unusual or bothersome side effect.

I guess he's going home to stew over what he's learned, because he's just left the area.

2008-12-29T15:33:00.002-05:00

May I ask a question?

Why?

Why are you sitting, cramped in the corner at computer you aren't even using (Which is good, because it doesn't work.) with your back to the door (By the by, do you know how distracting it is when you jump every time that door opens?), when there are, by my count, 3 tables and 17 seats available to you?

And why do you have scarf wrapped around your head with a long bit hanging over one eye?

These are the questions which plague me at the moment. And I'm only 12 minutes into my shift on the desk.

You've been warned

2008-12-22T13:21:00.002-05:00

It's a printer and an old one at that, which we are continually coaxing back to life - it's not a bar...stop leaning on it.

Seriously. I mean it. Or we will inconveniently not have your book in our catalog.

Oasis is the cure for what ails.

2008-12-20T11:55:00.003-05:00

Or at least they were for me last night at Susquehanna Bank Center.

It took us 3 hours to get down to Camden from north Jersey, but it was completely worth the grooves my nails left in the car dashboard.

And Camden...wow... No wonder Jersey has the reputation it has.

Can't be sure

2008-12-18T12:30:00.002-05:00

...but I think Darth Vader is putting in an appearance today.

Why can't I be sure?

Well, there's this guy sitting in the hallway between Reference and Periodicals and he has a plastic bag over his head.

Yes, you read that right.

Over. His. Head.

He has the build of Darth, but he's missing the umbrella fabric. However, Darth has been know to come through sans umbrellas...

2008-12-18T11:52:00.005-05:00

She's been sighing heavily for about 20 minutes as she pounds away on the OPAC. Finally she comes up to the reference desk.

"Two years ago I read a book by a nun writing about Christ. She was Scandinavian. It was translated. How can I find all the books that were written out of the country by nuns about Christ?"

This question puts me in mind of my days in retail in - where else - a bookstore. Every once in a while we would get some doozies. Here are a sampling of some of the more memorable ones. The + indicates the story is one of L's.

"I'm looking for a book. It's blue."

"I'm looking for a book...it's called *The Search for Blue September"

"Where's your non-fiction section?"

+A customer comes up with his thumb in the middle of a book. "Where's your photocopier?"

+"Where do you apply for a library card?"

* The book they were actually looking for was...wait for it...

The Hunt for Red October.

Public Service Announcement

2008-12-16T19:46:00.005-05:00

The following was found on one of reading tables in the reference area. I recognize the handwriting, it's the Philosopher's work:

To all students get your education or you will be homeless. Do you want to stay at Goodwill Mission, 31 Fulton Street or Newark Penn Station. Do you want to collect welfare and food stamps. Do you want to live in public housing all your live [sic]? If you do keep your dumb ass out of school and you will.

From the men
of Goodwill,
Fulton Street
and Penn Station

2008-12-14T22:59:00.004-05:00

It's a Brownie bag and she keeps her keys in it. It drives me crazy. And I really mean it's a Brownie bag. As in The Brownies. As in those little girls in brown that are not quite Girl Scouts, but are no longer Daisies and sell those fabulous cookies that I never allow myself to buy because they'd never make it home. Them.

That's exactly my question. Why? What's she thinking?

What let's me see the humor in the Brownie purse is the fact that I really wanted one when I was a kid but my mom wouldn't buy it for me. We would get this catalog and there would be all sorts of fabulous things in there for all your Brownie and Girl Scout needs - charm bracelets, book bags, mittens and scarves, dolls, toys and camping equipment emblazoned with the GS logo. I was already made fun of when we went camping because a lot of my equipment was stamped "US ARMY," and came courtesy of my dad's active duty status with the Reserves. In retrospect, 37-year-old me thinks 10-year-old me was pretty cool to be toting around Viet Nam era camping equipment, but 10-year-old me just doesn't appreciate that. She rolls her eyes at 37-year-old me. 37-year-old me sticks her tounge out and I have to seperate them. They've never really gotten along.

Need my shoes, need my shoes!

2008-12-09T19:47:00.004-05:00

The young lady that works the Periodicals desk at night with me just came by. There are a pair of boots under one of the tables back there but, "I don't see anyone without shoes," she said, "I looked." She, understandably didn't want to touch them but wasn't sure what to do. I told her to tell security the next time they make their round through.

As I type this, there's a guy at one of the OPACs banging his head on the table. I guess the book he wanted wasn't in.

Update: He needed a book from reference and we close in a few minutes, that's what the banging was about. He just stopped by the desk to let me know. Thanks, dude!

An excerpt...

2008-12-06T11:29:00.004-05:00

This guy just came in for the address to write the White House. One of our residential crazies (She Who Needs a Bra), started talking to him about his sign and whether or not he was a "summer baby."

He launched into this explanation:
"I was born on April 15, just like Martin Luther King. Fifteen plus fifteen equals 30 which is god the father god the son and god the spirit. I have the holy spirit and I am the reincarnated Martin Luther King. But I don't have the wisdom to make it the right way this time around."

She Who Needs a Bra was looking for her usual: Caribbean Cooking and Orthodox Jewish Holidays.

Not making it up

2008-11-26T17:12:00.003-05:00

A woman just came in for this book:

Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders : DSM-IV-TR

Her last name is McNutt.

The things they say...

2008-11-26T15:52:00.002-05:00

Two patrons just came breezing through the reference area. The shorter one glances over at the reference desk where N & I are sitting. He turns to his friend.

"Geez, they got girls here and everything," he says in mild shock. His friend just nods.

I'm melting!

2008-11-24T14:27:00.004-05:00

So I'm teaching typing right now and I've got a hummer. There always one in every bunch and it's irritating really, because I can't tell him to be quiet and I can't leave. I'd feel better if there was a tune, but if there is one it's indispherable to me. And it wouldn't be half so annoying if it weren't so hot in here.

Have I mentioned that it's about 85 in the classroom? I haven't? Stupid me. It appears that when they built the tech center, they failed to take into account that half of the heaters would be enclosed in a classroom that was about 20' x 25'.

And where's the thermomider, you ask? Good question. It's out in the main area and convinced that the room temperature is no more than 67, hence the blowers are still blowing.

There are other authors besides Terry Woods.

2008-11-21T10:12:00.005-05:00

Sweetheart, stop. Take a breath, 'cuz it's just too early and I've had too little sleep to follow your rickety train of thought.

Despite the fact you keep claiming to be the soul of patience, there's nothing patient about you if you're sitting here complaining endlessly and loud about how there "ain't nuttin' in this liberry" and how you can "never find nuttin'." Enough about the the "tiny books" (mass market paperbacks) and urban fiction. We can only do so much - and sometimes our books just don't come back. We heard you the first time when you said you placed a request for books. Yes, you need the title and/or author's name to find a book, especially urban fiction...your fellow citizens frequently keep what they check out.

PEOPLE STEAL THINGS!

That's the way of the world. Don't even start me on our decimated Koran and Bible sections.

And stop asking where the U's are for "urban fiction" that's not how things are organized.

...but it's business as usual here

2008-11-07T13:46:00.003-05:00

And on the heels of listening to the oh-so-inspiring President-elect Obama give his victory speech all the while trying to id the theme music, I'm now sitting here listening to my colleague explain how to play hop-scotch to I.S.

Yes, we can.

2008-11-07T13:23:00.003-05:00

We had a call from Phillipsburg PL, asking for help in identifying the song played right after Obama's victory speech.

Are you ready for nerdom, people? Here we go...

The song playing is "Titians Spirit" from the movie "Remember the Titans."

The composer is Trevor Rabin.

Trevor Rabin, among other things, used to be in the band Yes.

Doing nothing for you?

Maybe this will jog your memory:

And here is the depths of my nerdiness for today: Trevor Rabin was actually born Trevor Rabinowitz...

...and L thinks I don't listen to him when he waxes on and on and on about Prog Rock.... HA!

No more questions.

2008-10-15T10:13:00.002-04:00

Seriously. I can't answer anymore today. I know it's only 10am, but my head just won't function that way today.

What sent me over the edge?

Ivory Soapy asking "How many New Providences are there in the US? Because I looked it up in a dictionary and there weren't any." When I told him he'd need an atlas, not a dictionary he said he, "didn't understand."

Two things.

2008-10-10T11:25:00.002-04:00

Patron One: I want a book that explains the difference between a Apple computer and a Macintosh.

Patron Two: Newark Library don't have shit.

Librarian One: Remind me why I do this?

QOTD

2008-10-02T12:09:00.000-04:00

Question of the day:

"I need a two minute summary of democracy. Like, what is is?"

Ivory Soapy

2008-10-01T14:53:00.002-04:00

More questions:

Was Hans Christian Anderson real?
What kind of fairytales did he write?
What do you mean "Little Match Girl?" I don't understand.
How many Chinese Dynasties were there?
How many capitals?
How many Emperors?

He jots all these answers down on a stack of dog-eared paper held together by a rubber band.

They're reading the Declaration. Good God. How far have they gotten?

2008-09-27T15:52:00.003-04:00

Mrs Hubbert, who is old but doesn't seem to live in a cupboard has called repeatedly today. First she wanted copies of the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution faxed to her. Then a "little book" on ADA law. She called back again for something else but my boss told me to forward any calls to her...thank G-d.

Then she called again and jumped right in in a way that did not allow for interruption.

“I discovered the founding father’s intention on immigration and I’ve just solved the immigration issue, m'kay?”

She proceeds to quote from the Declaration of Independence:

He [George III] has endeavored to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

She goes on: “God has given me the most important job, m'kay? Most people who deal with civil rights case don’t read the declaration of independence. I’m going to change a lot of things in this country. I’m working with Congressman Payne’s office and his chief of staff is going to visit me on Tuesday here at Beth Israel Hospital.”

I'll be sure to let you all know when Mrs. Hubbert has solved the financial crisis.

Have I not introducted you?

2008-09-26T12:13:00.004-04:00

Oh, kids...we have a new entry into the crazy patron roll call. He plagues us with questions over a massive amount of disparate things and then requires the most excruciatingly detailed explanations. Which he jots down on a stack of little pieces of paper held together with rubber bands.

What have we dubbed him?

Ivory Soapy. I trust all of you are smart enough to guess why...

So far he's asked us about:

YouTube and how it works
Foot Binding Practices
The British Parliamentary System
The Dali Lama

This is the same guy from a couple of months ago, only I didn't know he was going to turn into a regular.

617.1027 B277ru

2008-09-23T15:22:00.007-04:00

So I'm set the run the Army 10-miler next weekend.

Well, I shouldn't say set. I've signed up, is more appropriate. See, despite my recent PR at my hometown's 5K, I've been feeling - well - off. And by off I should say my knees feel decades older than I am and my low back, which has been cracking ominously for about a decade now, has cranked it up a notch. To the point where I couldn't sit or walk remotely comfortably last week, but it's a little better this week. And let us not even start on my bunion.

I sound like your grandma, don't I? Should I add, "my dawgs arh bawrking" to it?

But still, I've paid my money and have been training - until last week when this all seemed to start. Now I'm faced with bail or scale. Bail out of the race or scale back on my race plan. Because I had a plan and now it's shot, but even though it will probably be a miserable times the mind rebels at bailing. If you tell me I shouldn't do something, it's all the more likely that I will (there's a memorable argument that L & I had where he used the phrase "defy me." Luckily, even in the red haze of the argument, I knew he probably meant "spite me" and he has lived to tell the tale - but I digress). Of course, this will never stop me from sternly lecturing someone contemplating running injured, but that's what makes me so charmingly complex.

...some have called it bossy...

Anyway.

So, my plan is now to treat it like a 10K and 5K race with a mile rest in between. Thereby I'll run the first 6 miles as best I can, which will hopefully put me enough ahead of the 15:00/mile cut off pace that I can walk 1 mile then run 3 miles. I'd like to beat my pathetic time from last year, but I won't be surprised if I don't. I'd like to finish on my feet, not wander around in the finish area looking for water on the verge of heat exhaustion, keep my head together enough to remember my finishers metal and maybe get a swirl at Cactus later in the afternoon. I'd like to not end up like that poor guy from Fairfax.

Small wishes, really.